You know, sometimes I forget it’s Father’s Day. My adoptive father died years ago, and as I’ve said many times here, he was an abusive alcoholic. While my relationship with my adoptive father wasn’t the best, I did have great relationships with both of my grandfathers. One of them in particular was very close to me and I miss him every day.
Still, people ask me sometimes about this crazy childhood of mine and why I’m not nuts. LOL! Well, first, I did what I needed to do in order to get past my upbringing. I don’t subscribe to the belief that your past defines who you are. You always have the chance to rise above it. It isn’t easy, in fact, it’s more work than you’ll probably ever do in your life, but it’s worth it. Even if you have moments where self-doubt inches its way in your head, you still win because you recognize the patterns of your past and work on changing them.
I used to feel a bit sad on Father’s Day, but I don’t anymore. I look at my life so differently now, and one reason is that I shifted the focus from being “the child of an alcoholic and abusive father” to “a child of God.” When you look at yourself as a child of God, your entire world changes.
A few years I told the story of me and my step-dad through poetry. It might seem odd, but to me poetry was really important. It helped lift me out of the dark places in my childhood and created a safe haven I didn’t have. But I couldn’t write the story without thanking God in the process. He is the reason I’m here, without a doubt. I wrote a poem called “Father’s Eyes” that really sums up what I believe my life is all about now. The poem became the title for the book.
FATHER’S EYES
In my father’s eyes
I am lazy
and slow.
I have a long way to go, and then,
I still won’t be close.In my father’s eyes
I am loud
and sarcastic.
My voice makes a shrill cacophony of chaos,
at last, I had nothing important to say.In my father’s eyes
I see why
they treat me so.
I deserve it,
I really do.In my father’s eyes
I am not the answer
for his deep despair.
And so I think,
why am I here?In The Father’s eyes
I have come so far.
And beauty and happiness
will be my reward
from now until forever.In The Father’s eyes
You can’t hurt me.
His grace protects me;
His love sustains me.In The Father’s eyes
I’m His child.
His delight.
He wants me here,
and I belong.© 2004, Cherie Burbach, from the book Father’s Eyes
One of the positive reviews I received on this poem was in regard to the subtlety of going from my father’s eyes to The Father’s eyes. I think this mirrors exactly what happened in my own life. I realized all I needed to do was look up to heaven to see what kind of child I really was. It was as profound and as simple as that.
If you’re without a dad today, like me, I have this wish for you. Say a prayer that honors your father. Some people idolize their dad, and I don’t think that’s good, because in the end he is still a person. Save the worshiping for God’s feet, but honor your human father for the lessons he taught you and the love he gave.
Of course, if you’re one of those lucky people who had a great dad that happens to still be in your life, give him a hug and tell him how much he meant to you. Know that having a great dad is a blessing.
If your dad wasn’t good to you, say a prayer that asks God to lift you up where you need to be in order to see how special you are. Realize that you have the perfect father shining His grace down on you, and with His help you can be the person you were always meant to be.
It’s been a year and a half now since I got the call from my sister… “They don’t think Dad is going to make it.” I’d seen my father maybe five times in the last thirty years, and think I hesitated all of about three seconds before leaving for the hospital. He definitely didn’t look well, there were blood clots in his lungs.
I don’t gloss things over, as you already know, and as I stood there looking at him it was looking at a stranger, he had disowned me 30 years before. But, he was my father. And I went to visit him every day. Miraculously he began getting better.
We’ve had lunch every day since… except for the three days I was in Milwaukee for my son’s graduation last year. We don’t talk about the past, he wouldn’t remember if we did. What’s done is done, and as his mind slips slowly away it will become even more distant.
I accept that. Nothing about my past, nor his, can ever be changed. What we do have is the time we share together each day. I’m not saying it’s a great relationship because it isn’t, but I see him in a very different light now. I consider myself very blessed to have this time with him, we may never have the relationship I wish we could have, but at least we have something. And, I hope he feels the same.
On the other hand, my children have a really good father, and, even though we didn’t hold a marriage together, we have parented beautifully together. I’m glad they will never have to wonder if their father loves them, and I hope, should they choose to have children one day, they will take that forward with their own children.
And you, Cherie, have looked at your history, taken away only good lessons and created the person you are today, and YOU are an amazing, talented, and beautiful woman that I am so glad to know, even if it is only in the blogging world… because you encourage me to always strive to be a better person too!
Thank you, June. I especially liked this: “What’s done is done, and as his mind slips slowly away it will become even more distant.” I’m glad you have come to a healthy place where you’re able to leave the past in the past.
Thank you always for your kindness and lovely words. I treasure them, especially because, you inspire me also.