His Child

Years ago I wrote a poem about what it must be like to be the evil one. To believe that the way you tempt people, taunt, and torture them would be enough for them to abandon God.

I think even when you’re angry with God, you’re still talking to God and you’re still His child. I’ve been angry with God plenty, mostly because I don’t understand the events of my life. There have been times when I’ve felt unprotected, only to look back and realize how blest I was, how protected I was from negative forces I didn’t even know about.

(One Day She Decided to Trust) art print

I know what it’s like to be a follower of God, and yet not fully understand the gift He’s given us. But I also know that He’s patient. He forgives and teaches, despite our faults. Despite our bad behaviors. He shows us a kind of love we can’t really comprehend sometimes.

Here’s what I’ve found, that especially when I get caught up in the “what ifs” of life, I need to turn to God. I can get really caught up in worrying about what might happen next. In fear. This attitude, of pushing away happy moments because we’re afraid of the next bad thing, is all about fear.

We’re afraid to fully embrace the goodness of God because we know eventually life will take a turn and things will get dark. Life is that way at times. We try and prepare ourselves for negative events, but we can’t. We never know what will happen next. And the worry? It doesn’t ever prepare you when the bad events come. You need to rely on God for that, because the big events of our life that hurt and confuse us are beyond our understanding. Beyond our worry.

But in between, when we’re still feeling like we’re in control for a moment and grieving our hurt, we might raise our fists and cry out, “Why?” In those times, when we’re at our weakest and we think we’ve been abandoned, we know, somewhere in the deepest parts of our soul, that God is still there. But we behave as children, kicking our heels and crying at the outrage of the pain we’ve been handed.

In these moments, I picture the evil one feeling victory. As if my momentary cries mean that I have disconnected from God. That just doesn’t happen. God holds me even when I can’t look up for Him. God is in my heart, so firmly and securely that I was His child long before I even realized what it meant.

I wrote a poem called “His Child,” which appeared in my book, Father’s Eyesand also in my newest poetry book, Poiema. In Father’s Eyes, there are four parts to that book, the final one being “The Embrace.” This poem seemed to fit with that.

His Child

You’ve tested me

but not more than He’s loved me.

 

You’ve weakened my body, perhaps,

                with disease and heartache

                but never,

                not even when I cry out loud

                and ask God why

                will you crush my spirit.

 

You probably think you’ve won,

                on the dark days when I’m sad

                and feeling so hopeless.

 

You probably think I’ll turn my back

                on the one who sought me out.

                But you’re wrong.

 

There are times,

                where I’ll stumble,

                and even,

                throw myself to the ground in despair.

 

But in those times,

                the darkest of days,

                I’ll still call out His name

                and feel His grace down

                to the root of my soul.

 

Even at the end,

                when my tired body is given

                back to the earth,

                you might feel victory then,

                but you’ll be wrong.

 

Because He is the victorious one

                in the quest for my soul.

               

As long as there is God

                my life and heart and mind

                and all I am

                belong to Him.

 

As long as there is God

                you will not win.

               

                And there is always God.